Broken

I have been undecided about whether or not I would post anything about this because I keep hoping that if I don't talk about it, maybe it will just go away or maybe it won't be real, but ignoring the issue isn't helping me at all. I just need to vent a little bit, so please don't feel obligated to read this post.

Layne and I have been married for a little over 2 years now and a year ago on our 1 year anniversary, we decided to try for a baby. I had it all planned out: we would both finish college and hopefully he would find a job and we would move away to his dream job and a few months later, I would deliver. I have wanted nothing more in my entire life than to be mother. I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to do in college just because I just want to be a mom. That's it. I'm one-track minded when it comes to that and I just figured that when I was ready and the time was right, I would just be a mom. I would get married, get pregnant, and have this cute little family. But that has SO not been the case.

At the beginning of this year, I was over the moon to find out that I was pregnant. I told Layne and he was very happy to. I think he was more surprised at first. That weekend we went and bought baby books and I bought a calendar and a journal so that I could remember all the details. This was an experience I never wanted to forget. A week later, I start spotting. I called the dr. a few days later when it didn't go away and they said that I should come in for a blood test and then another in a couple of days and just take it easy in between until they knew what was going on. After I went in to get my blood drawn the first time, I went home and started bleeding heavily and I just knew in my heart what was happening. I had been crying all weekend with worry that this would happen. And then it did. And my heart shattered into a million pieces in that moment. I called the dr and they said that I should just stay on bedrest for the next few days and try to relax - that it could be nothing and wait until my second blood test to see what was going on. I got the call the afternoon after my blood labs came back. She nurse told me that I was definitely pregnant but that my hcg levels had dropped significantly between the first and second test and that I was experiencing a miscarriage. I never ever imagined I would ever experience this. Especially not my first pregnancy. I had been so excited to see that plus sign. I was so excited I took multiple tests just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. But now that was all gone.

I had to keep going in for bloodwork to make sure that my body got rid of everything on its own and luckily enough for me, it did and I didn't have to go in for a d&c or anything. But it was awful. I would never wish that experience on my worst enemy.

My body didn't fully get back to "normal" or what I thought was normal, so I made an appointment to get everything checked out just in case. After some not-so-fun tests that I didn't even know existed on top of a ton of bloodwork, my dr. diagnosed me with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I didn't know what it was, but immediately started crying. He said not to worry, that it is common in women my age, but treatable most of the time. My hormones are out of whack and causes a slew of side effects and makes conceiving harder because, depending on the severity of your case, you either ovulate irregularly or sometimes not at all. I am thinking that I am in the latter category. Since my m/c (January), I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flow that wasn't chemically induced. My dr.'s suggestion was to start a round of Provera to induce menstruation and then Clomid to induce ovulation. The first round didn't work, and of course, we had to move before I could work with my dr. further, so now we have moved and I am seeing a new dr. this coming Wednesday. Of course, he can't see me the same week that I made the appointment (3 weeks ago) and who knows what he will say. I am trying to be optimistic, but I am just not a patient person and all of this waiting and not knowing is really getting to me.

I am scared for the future. I am grateful for the "options" available these days to couples who have trouble conceiving naturally but at the same time, I am a little bitter about the whole situation, like "what the hell did I do to deserve this?" I love children, I have always been around them and loved them all. I am good person, right? I mean, I try to be. And less than good people have babies all the time who can't take care of them and don't even want them. And then there are people all around me having no trouble getting pregnant and then there is me and then people ask "why don't you have kids yet? When are you going to get going on that?" I never know what to say to that - its not like we haven't been trying. It just isn't fair -- what if we can't even get pregnant at all? Then we have to pay $10,000-$25,000+ for either IVF or adoption for not even the guarantee of a baby? It all just really sucks and I just really needed to vent and get all of these feelings out because if I don't, I'm afraid I will explode. Sorry for the ranting and random swearing. I am a little bit emotional tonight. My heart is just feeling a little broken right now and I could really use some good thoughts and prayers sent my way. Thanks.